Styles of Ethical Non-Monogamy
In 2014, I started a blog called Sex After Marriage. I was going through the transformation one does after coming out of an 18-year marriage with a man that I met at 17 years old. I was finding out who I was. I started this blog to chronicle my journey. I figured that if I was inspiring myself, I would surely inspire others.
In 2024, it’s now been 10 years. I thought it might be time to republish the blog with my “10-Year Take”. I’m looking forward to seeing what’s changed and what has stayed the same. This is a gift to myself as I come into my 50th year on this planet, the same age my mom lost her 2-year battle with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. In some ways, it feels like I’m on borrowed time. In other ways, I feel like I’m completing her incomplete journey. Mom, you are missed and I’m not sure I would have gotten here if I hadn’t had to feel the loss of you. Thank you for reading.
Dated February 6, 2015
“Yep’ I’m still Hangin’ Around.”
This was a message I received on OK Cupid this morning. I responded, “And I’m still not buying what you’re selling. :)”
This cutie proposed a situation a while back that wasn’t to my liking. He asked if I would consider joining what I will call his harem of women. I know that isn’t my form of polyamory, so I declined. He pops in once in a while to say hello. I’ve never met him though I would sit down with him over coffee just to hear what he has to say, the curious girl in me. (I enjoy seeing how other people think.)
But that leads me to this question: What is my style of polyamory?
There are as many ways to do monogamy and non-monogamy as there are monogamist and non-monogamists, making it really important to talk about what monogamy and non-monogamy means to you when considering dating someone, which is the “ethical” part. Reid Mihalko, sex and relationship role model, encourages us to date our own species. It’s important to determine what your species is. In my example, are you team monogamy or non-monogamy? In my conversations, I then ask things like are you looking for an open relationship, perhaps where it has a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy? Or are you looking to swing? Or maybe you are looking for more of a polyamorous relationship, which to me means growing relationships with people I really like and may someday love. And that is just the start of a very important, relationship foundation-type discussion.
At this stage, I know I identify as polyamorous. But feeling the need to answer some of the deeper level questions, on my to-do list is to read More Than Two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory. Watch for a review in the future.
10-Year Take:
Hmmm…. I don’t identify with the polyamorous label. I’m surely a polyamorous person, but I also know that words mean a lot! I’m still non-monogamous (generally), but that word polyamorous feels like it sets up expectations that I’m not a yes to. I want to have deep relationships with my friends. I love lots of people.
I don’t want the relationship expectations that come with standard poly.
I have my husband. I have the relationships I navigate with my clients. I have my friendships. I am spread quite wide. The short answer is, I don’t want to hear someone say, “But you always spend Christmas with him…” Yeah, I do. (Or I don’t, but that’s just between us and our travel desires.)
