Labels and Dating, Do We Need Them?
In 2014, I started a blog called Sex After Marriage. I was going through the transformation one does after coming out of an 18-year marriage with a man that I met at 17 years old. I was finding out who I was. I started this blog to chronicle my journey. I figured that if I was inspiring myself, I would surely inspire others.
In 2024, it’s now been 10 years. I thought it might be time to republish the blog with my “10-Year Take”. I’m looking forward to seeing what’s changed and what has stayed the same. This is a gift to myself as I come into my 50th year on this planet, the same age my mom lost her 2-year battle with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. In some ways, it feels like I’m on borrowed time. In other ways, I feel like I’m completing her incomplete journey. Mom, you are missed and I’m not sure I would have gotten here if I hadn’t had to feel the loss of you. Thank you for reading.
Dated January 31, 2015
Journaling this morning, I came to this conclusion, and I think it holds across the board with all the people who I share my life with: I don’t want to label us. I don’t want to limit what we have. I don’t want to steer it. I want to let it grow and change and dictate to us what we are.
Are we friends? Are we dating? I have touched on this before. I still believe it doesn’t matter. I still can’t figure out the difference. Is it my style of dating? Maybe. Is it that I am non-traditional, and can have varying types of intimacy with people while building friendships with them? I am confident that plays into it. I value friendships first. If we can be intimate, then I am certainly open to adding that layer to our friendship, in whichever form works for both of us.
I meet a lot of people. I go on a lot of “first dates,” and I move along most of the time. I often go into the first date as just another exercise in meeting new people. Occasionally, I am really excited to meet someone because I see potential in them to be a friend, hopefully with the added benefit of a lover.
What are the general characteristics that create that kind of anticipation for me? Not long ago, I could have never built this list. That is why I date a lot. I built this list from experience. These are general characteristics of a match for friendship:
A curiosity for the world around them. Are they learning new things?
Confidence in who they are. Do they live outside that box of normal, and they own it? Talk about a draw for me.
Change doesn’t scare them. Did they overcome a challenge with a better sense of self? Do they inspire change in others?
Introspective. Do they self-evaluate and own their shit? Life doesn’t have to be 100% positive, but they strive to make their lives great…to them. They want to be the best version of themselves that they can. That requires admitting your weaknesses, seeing where you want to make changes, and doing something to move in that direction. Not just sitting still and waiting for something to change. It can also mean that you really dig into a perceived weakness and realize it is a strength, and you choose to own it as a positive. (Read “How Your Greatest Insecurities Reveal Your Deepest Gifts“)
Passionate about their life. They have something they get really excited about. Something that lights up their eyes when they talk about it.
They get excited for others. Their eyes light up when I get excited about a project or an interest. They want to see other people happy and successful.
An ability to communicate. Do they use their words? Are they comfortable sharing their feelings? I know I have struggled in this arena in the past. Lately, I make myself have possibly uncomfortable conversations just to make sure I am practicing my communication skills. Plus, I want to know that I feel comfortable enough to actually communicate my needs and feelings. I need to feel ok with sharing and being vulnerable.
And then they could move to a lover if:
Sexually open. Are they comfortable with their sexuality? Are they comfortable with my sexuality? Can we agree that sex is both a big deal and not a big deal? With people I care about, it’s a big deal. But it’s also fun and may not always have to be with someone I love. Can we agree on a style of non-monogamy that works for both of us? Do they understand that non-monogamy doesn’t mean I will have sex with anyone that offers? (This is a current issue I feel like I am running into. To me, this understanding shows sexual maturity.) Can we agree that “sex” has a very wide-open definition? It is not limited to PIV (penis in vagina). Does anyone have flashbacks to Bill Clinton in the 90s here? Is it just me?
Attractive. Yep, they have to be attractive to me. They don’t have to be tall, bald and athletic. Yes, that is my “type” if I had to name just one type. But I don’t want to have a type when it comes to it. I want to be open to many types, and I am.
I’m going to continue to resist the labels. I really don’t need them.
10-Year Take:
Oh how parts of this really resonate with me! I still struggle with labels outside of my marriage. 10 years later, I currently don’t identify with the label “polyamorous,” though so many would say I am. Maybe I have a polyam heart, but I don’t label it as poly to avoid expectations that I have zero desire to meet. For example, I have a handful of very close people in my life. Some, looking at us, would label them “partners.” I don’t. I don’t think I have to label them. They are friends. I care for them deeply, and they don’t rest in my system like my husband. Also, I don’t collect lovers anymore. I rarely share sexual touch with others, though I might start considering it again.
I’ve hit some complications that have made sex less easy. My libido is shot. I’m so deep in responsive desire that it’s difficult to wrap my head around pursuing sex. I’m on a GLP-1, and its point is to kill my obsessive food thoughts by making food less of a pleasure. It seems to have killed all my pleasure centers, which includes sex. I still get excited about sweets occasionally, so there’s that! *shrug
So, when I consider sex, I consider it as an activity option. What would I like to do with our time together? What would you like to do with our time together? Do we want to snuggle up and watch a movie? Do we want to go for a beach walk and watch the sunset? Does sharing a conversation over a meal feel filling? Or do we want to get naked and touch each other?
There’s a person I’m spending regular time with. We’ve been hanging out for over 6 months, and we haven’t had sex. We talk about it, though. As someone who identifies as asexual, on top of the lack of libido, I don’t consider sexual attraction.
I thoroughly enjoy my time with this human. We’ve talked about whether to have sex, and we eventually probably will. I’ve been very transparent, though, that it might be a one-time thing. I often identify as a “curious sexual” as I’m naturally a curious person. I want to know what it would be like. I needed to share that with this person as I didn’t want it to be a surprise if I chose not to pursue it again.
Another thing I know about myself regarding relationships and friendships is that I love talking about my work. People and people-ing are my hobbies. It’s my special interest. However, I sometimes feel like I don’t know how to talk about anything else.
So, do you want to relate to me? Either become a client or know that I’m not much for labels. I'm down for connections of all kinds, likely in platonic ways… and we will geek out on how people relate.
Reader, have you ever been so transparent in negotiating relationships (of any kind)? What do you know about yourself regarding relationships, including all forms of friendships? Leave a comment.
