Body Confidence, Take 2
In 2014, I started a blog called Sex After Marriage. I was going through the transformation one does after coming out of an 18-year marriage with a man that I met at 17 years old. I was finding out who I was. I started this blog to chronicle my journey. I figured that if I was inspiring myself, I would surely inspire others.
In 2024, it’s now been 10 years. I thought it might be time to republish the blog with my “10-Year Take”. I’m looking forward to seeing what’s changed and what has stayed the same. This is a gift to myself as I come into my 50th year on this planet, the same age my mom lost her 2-year battle with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. In some ways, it feels like I’m on borrowed time. In other ways, I feel like I’m completing her incomplete journey. Mom, you are missed and I’m not sure I would have gotten here if I hadn’t had to feel the loss of you. Thank you for reading.
Dated December 23, 2014
Today I wrote about body confidence, but I don’t think I did it enough justice. So I want a second stab at it.
I have had body issues since I can remember. In high school I remember having dreams about trimming out my inner thighs with scissors. In my dreams I was able to bypass any major arteries. Yes, it was that detailed! Here’s the thing, I was hot! I had NOTHING to beat myself up over. I was successful in athletics in high school. I was fit. I was trim. I was attractive. I was smart. I was healthy! I may not have blown away in a stiff wind, but I wasn’t overweight. If I could relive those times, I would run naked through the freezer section at the local grocery store! But instead, I spent those years thinking I needed to change just based on thinking things like my thighs were too large. (They weren’t.) I also thought I needed larger breasts and smaller calves, and I’m sure I thought my butt was too big and that I wanted straight hair. Everyone knows how it goes because we all do it or did it.
Having a healthy body image isn’t dependent on your size. You can choose to love your body right now, no matter where it is on the scale, the measuring tape, or the pant size. It is just simply a choice. Change your thoughts, and you change your world. Stop the negative feedback loop in your head. What you believe about yourself is all that matters.
Am I perfect in this area? No! I have days where I feel confident and sexy like I can take over the world, and I feel that back from the people in my life that day. They believe me. They mirror back that feeling to me. I also have days when self-doubt creeps in, and I am sure everyone I cross paths with that day can feel it, too. That is why I try not to let it creep in. I hear the thought, and I stomp on it the best I can. I recognize it and stop and try to process it. Why do I feel that way today? What am I afraid of? Because it is fear. It is fear rearing its ugly head trying to stop me from living my life.
Today I am a beautiful, smart, curious, intriguing, kind, charming, funny, sexy, curvy woman. I have never felt more attractive in my life, right now, at 39 years old, just the way I am.
10-Year Take
Interestingly enough, I live in a different body now. In June 2021 I underwent bariatric surgery. If you are interested in learning more about that decision and process, check out this episode fo my podcast The Intimacy Lab. As my weight changed, so did my body. I found myself having to learn to be with a bunch of loose skin, a flat butt, and saggy thighs. I remember the first few times I was naked in front of a client, and my self-consciousness had reappeared. I had a client in town for a straight-up sex work session. I remember popping out of bed to grab something from my bag. He commented, “Look at that beautiful body!” Those words helped.
The difference in my body was just a difference. I’m not different.
