Body Confidence
In 2014, I started a blog called Sex After Marriage. I was going through the transformation one does after coming out of an 18-year marriage with a man that I met at 17 years old. I was finding out who I was. I started this blog to chronicle my journey. I figured that if I was inspiring myself, I would surely inspire others.
In 2024, it’s now been 10 years. I thought it might be time to republish the blog with my “10-Year Take”. I’m looking forward to seeing what’s changed and what has stayed the same. This is a gift to myself as I come into my 50th year on this planet, the same age my mom lost her 2-year battle with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. In some ways, it feels like I’m on borrowed time. In other ways, I feel like I’m completing her incomplete journey. Mom, you are missed and I’m not sure I would have gotten here if I hadn’t had to feel the loss of you. Thank you for reading.
Dated December 23, 2014
I am not a size 2. I am not even a size 12. I am a plus size, curvy woman. I don’t LOVE my body but I love parts of my body. I love the shape of my curves. I love my breasts. I love my hair. I feel beautiful. I felt all those things in my marriage. But I wouldn’t get naked in front of anyone but my husband. I thought I only looked good clothed.
Being naked would have been one of my biggest reasons for feeling that I couldn’t have sex with someone I hadn’t gotten to know really well. I assumed I would need to trust them not to judge me. Because, let’s face it, I was still judging myself. Casual sex was never on my radar. I couldn’t imagine myself partaking. And then I was suddenly single, really single.
And then I met a woman. I met her like right after the split. She and I only had one intimate meeting but she was placed in my life at the perfect time. She made me feel so beautiful. She complimented my body. She said I was like the women in the paintings. Here is an excerpt from my journal entry about that night:
It was a body image love fest. I had not been fully naked in front of anyone but my husband in many, many years. I was a woman who carried the marks of pregnancy, of not caring for her body in a possible attempt to turn off my husband. I didn’t get much of a chance to get self conscious. I was nurtured and cared for. I was loved and treasured in that moment.
I was so fortunate. The timing was perfect. That set me on a positive course to loving myself and being confident to share myself with others. It was a giant first step to my new life.
From that moment forward, I got it. Sexy is sexy. If you feel sexy, you are sexy. Your potential partner, if they are into you, they are into you. You don’t need to worry about it. They aren’t! Lady Cheeky (now I know her as Elle Chase, a sex educator/blogger, wrote a piece that will forever be a favorite. I try to repost it regularly because it is that good. If you are a plus-size woman, go read it and then find your sexy. Just feeling sexy will make others find you sexy. Trust me!
Later in the summer, I remembered that I had wanted to have a boudoir session with a photographer friend. I had wanted to do it for a few years but my husband always thought it was silly. Obviously, I had to do it! I contacted my friend Amanda with Hopes Creations and got it scheduled. I had about three weeks to prepare myself. I wasn’t worried about my body. I was worried about how to get the look I wanted in the pictures. I wanted to make sure they represented me. I wanted to look like myself. That is what I focused on.
When the day arrived, I primped and prepped. I wasn’t nervous. I had heard that having these pictures done could really bring up feelings for me. I was prepared. But it was not an issue. I had no issues with dropping my robe. I had no issue being in front of the camera. I survived without injury.
I will admit that when I got the photos back, I cringed. It was a lot to take in. I picked the ones I liked and just pretended the rest didn’t exist. I was recently listening to a Life on the Swingset Podcast about sexual shame. (Episode 186: Women, Sex and Shame) In the episode, they discussed a photo shoot Lady Cheeky had and how she had a similar reaction. Cooper, a photographer, assured her that 10% of photos are great shots.
I love the pictures I love. In fact, here are the ones I only loved initially:
I gave myself the gift of seeing myself from someone else’s lens. I have gotten great feedback which is also very nice. But I did them for me.
Since then I have had other opportunities to push my body confidence boundaries. I still struggle. I don’t have an issue with sexual experiences. Those are full of energy, and everyone involved wants to be there. That is easy. Now the moments that push me are more public events. I know, most people don’t find themselves with the need to be nude or partially nude in public, but I do. I recently took a workshop that required 2 days of complete nudity. I also happen to be experimenting and learning publicly about the world of BDSM. Both of those have allowed me to test my boundaries and my confidence. Any time I feel the fear creep up, I know I have to do it.
So go do it!
10-Year Take
Still one of the best gifts I gave myself. I love those pictures. Here’s two additional pictures that took me a little longer to love. Why? I’m not sure.
In the 10 years since I realize I had a long way to go to really being ok with my body. In my work, I offer an exercise where both the client and I stand naked in the mirror and look at our bodies while telling each other what we like about our bodies and what we don’t. We get to share the stories of our bodies. The first time I practiced that exercise before doing it with a client, I realized that even though I’m good to run around naked at the beach or even a party, much of it was about not paying any attention to my body at all. Like I was a floating head. To really look at myself? Even many years into doing this with clients, this exercise is often the first time a client sees me cry. I have so many feelings about my body. There is a wide swing back and forth between pride and grief. This body has been through A LOT! I aim for neutral. I get lucky with some love more times than not. But I will tell you one thing, I’m unapologetic about my body. Having a beautiful body is about sharing your heart with another. The meat skeleton is why less important to who you are as a person.
