Online Dating, My Love/Hate Relationship
In 2014, I started a blog called Sex After Marriage. I was going through the transformation one does after coming out of an 18-year marriage with a man that I met at 17 years old. I was finding out who I was. I started this blog to chronicle my journey. I figured that if I was inspiring myself, I would surely inspire others.
In 2024, it’s now been 10 years. I thought it might be time to republish the blog with my “10-Year Take”. I’m looking forward to seeing what’s changed and what has stayed the same. This is a gift to myself as I come into my 50th year on this planet, the same age my mom lost her 2-year battle with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. In some ways, it feels like I’m on borrowed time. In other ways, I feel like I’m completing her incomplete journey. Mom, you are missed and I’m not sure I would have gotten here if I hadn’t had to feel the loss of you. Thank you for reading.
Dated February 25, 2015
It went something like this:
A fairly attractive man contacts me.
I engage him in conversation for a good portion of my morning, long enough for him to suggest we meet.
I agree.
He starts to backpedal.
I see the red flag and ask a few questions, the first being, “Is your profile pic your actual picture?”
Nope. Thanks. Now I don’t feel like I know who I’ve been talking to. Obviously, I didn’t know who he was, but now it is the first deception. That is where I bow out.
Today is one of those days when I'm so frustrated with a certain dating site that I consider deactivating my profile. Actually, it’s the fuckers on that site that frustrate me, not the site. In reality, if I can see the entertainment value and put some basic rules down for myself, it could probably be kept as a useful option, as I have met a few good matches on this site. So what would that look like?
Michelle’s NEW rules for engaging with online dating:
They must be local enough that I would drive to see them. For me, that is no more than an hour, and probably towards the larger city to the north of me. I prefer something more local, like within a 15-mile radius.
I don’t need pen pals, so from now on, unless we quickly bond with great, interesting conversation, I’m not even paying them any attention. To make an exception, I have to find them to be an asset to my life. I have met a few people who fit this criteria. Someone I can learn something from. Otherwise, nope.
They can be “not local” if they are in town for business, but they better speak up quickly and be quite attractive.
They get these quick questions right off the bat, and I apologize for having to ask. Most people don’t fill out their details for a reason: 1. Is this your actual picture? 2. How tall are you? 3. Do you have nice teeth?
I think that's a good starting point. Stay tuned… Next up, how to scare this girl away in a few easy steps!
10-Year Take:
I don’t have much to add. The bar was so low back then. So low. Honestly, I can’t imagine utilizing online dating again. It’s not how I met either of my long-term partners since my divorce. (There have been two lasting connections that I considered dating-type relationships.) Just this morning, I came across some statistics about online dating that were quite dismal, to say the least. Of course, I can’t find it when I want to reference it. However, it held true for me… the chances of finding your person online are rarer than meeting them in person, offline.
Where might you meet someone in the wild? For me, I met both of my long-term partners at kink and BDSM community events. I often recommend that clients explore their hobbies and interests to find a group that aligns with them. Utilize online resources like Meetup, Plura, and Pie (I just learned about this one today, and it’s currently available in only a few cities) to expand your social circle. Make friends. Eventually, you might even date that friend. Seriously.
What not to do? Please don’t make friends to turn them into a romantic relationship. That has a certain energy to it, which will repel people. We can feel it. If you want to date them right away, ask them out. It’s more honest.
