Can 36 Questions Help you Fall in Love?

In 2014, I started a blog called Sex After Marriage. I was going through the transformation one does after coming out of an 18-year marriage with a man that I met at 17 years old. I was finding out who I was. I started this blog to chronicle my journey. I figured that if I was inspiring myself, I would surely inspire others. 

In 2024, it’s now been 10 years. I thought it might be time to republish the blog with my “10-Year Take”.  I’m looking forward to seeing what’s changed and what has stayed the same. This is a gift to myself as I come into my 50th year on this planet, the same age my mom lost her 2-year battle with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. In some ways, it feels like I’m on borrowed time. In other ways, I feel like I’m completing her incomplete journey.  Mom, you are missed and I’m not sure I would have gotten here if I hadn’t had to feel the loss of you. Thank you for reading.

Dated January 14, 2015

I don’t know the answer to that question, and honestly, I’m not looking to fall in love.  I think it actually scares me to think about it.  I don’t know if I know what it feels like to even be afraid of it.  But I do know that I am afraid of it, whatever it is. I should say I am referring to “romantic love.”  I know love.  I love my friends.  I love easily.  I attach to people quickly.  I love to care about people.  But this “romantic love” stuff, I just don’t know how I feel about it.  Is it really any different than the love I have for my friend, with just a side of lust?  I don’t know.  That is for another post.

Needless to say, I was out to dinner with a friend the other night, and he mentioned that he thought the questions I had linked to on my Facebook page earlier in the week looked interesting: the 36 questions that can help you fall in love. I hadn’t looked at the questions yet but had posted that I thought they would, at the very least, be great “get to know you” questions. So we decided that rather than watch a movie, we would go through the questions.

Question #17:  What is your most treasured memory?

That is when it stopped.  I pulled the plug on the questions.  As I thought about my answer, the tears welled up in my eyes.  I couldn’t do it.  I didn’t want to put him through seeing me cry yet.  We were fairly new friends, and that wasn’t something I wanted to put him through (like it was torture or something).  I said we would come back to the questions at a later date.  I wanted to be able to talk about it without crying or, at the very least, prepare myself to cry in front of him.

This morning, I was talking to a very introspective, wise friend, and he really held me to the fire on this one.  Why don’t I share more of my emotions with people?  Why do I feel that I will chase them away?  Why not put that out there and see who sticks around?  Why am I afraid of my emotions scaring people?

Here is the irony:  Question #16:  What do you value most in a friendship?  I answered, “Vulnerability.”  I want my friends to be vulnerable, but here I am, shutting down my opportunity to be vulnerable.

My very, very close girlfriends have witnessed my emotions like sadness and joyfulness, which both make me cry.  And even one very close male platonic friend has seen this side of me.  My children and ex have seen this side of me, and I guess that is where my fear comes from.  My ex was always uncomfortable being with my emotions.  Now I automatically apologize to anyone I am with when I start to cry.   Maybe I should stop apologizing.  I need to quit hiding behind my really strong, independent facade and let more people in and see who stays.

10-Year Take:

To my dearest inner child. You really did think that your big feelings would scare people away from you. Of course, you did. Your emotions weren’t cared for in childhood, and that pattern continued through your first marriage. You never got to experience someone just holding you and your feelings without judgment but rather in gratitude. I’m so sorry it took so long to have the experience of not only feeling the full acceptance of others but for me to fully accept you, to truly love you.

Almost 10 years later, I’m so much better at taking care of my inner child. We’ve been on quite the journey! What I love now is that those tears are healing tears. I heal myself with those tears, and I help heal my clients with those tears. I often cry with my clients. I’ve learned to appreciate my tears as a real gift.

One book I love and think all helping professionals should read is Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. He says, “Healthy grieving can turn your tears into self-compassion and your anger into self-protection.” These just also happen to be the traits we ideally learn from our parents or later learn in our own re-parenting.